Before we get started, a few things:
- This is a judgement-free zone. Don’t. Judge. Me.
- I use the word “dating” interchangeably with being exclusive.. so just use your brain and stay with me.
Ok, carry on.
My Dating Life.
My non-existent dating life.
My self-inflicted, non-existent dating life.
Let me give you some context:
I was hanging out with friends and we were grabbing a bite to eat and one of my guy friends said “so Nicole, whats new with you? How is your dating life?”. Now, this is a normal question that normal people ask other normal people. But for me… FOR ME I HEAR THIS: “So Nicole, you lonely miserable person, whats new with you? How come you’re not married, pregnant and barefoot?”. Ok, perhaps that’s a bit extreme, but let’s be honest, in this society if you are attractive and unmarried for too long, the perception is that something is wrong. I get that question from my friends a lot and its a perfectly reasonable question to ask. But my answer is always the same: ” I’m not interested in dating”. I then change the subject to something completely random like the latest brownie or cookie I made with no butter or sugar (yes I’m lame) smh. After realizing that my answer for the most part is ALWAYS exactly the same, I wanted to blog about it. So basically this is my bootleg form of therapy. SMH.
Why is my dating life non-existent?
Because I honestly, seriously, literally, truly hate dating. So much so, I would rather sit at home and watch paint dry. I hate dating so much, I’d rather have an arranged marriage. I hate dating so much that I cancel 97% of them last minute.
I am a horrible person.
Dating to MEEEE has no real point unless you’re ready for marriage. In other words: I’m not a casual dater. I don’t spend time with people I don’t like. That goes for friends and prospective dates. I don’t care about free meals or VIP section in the club – If I’m not interested, i’m not interested. Period.
So the bigger question is: Am I ready for marriage? Ehh.. maybe..perhaps.. not 100% though. I can admit that. I mean there are still days that go by and I may have dishes in the sink (remember.. judgement-free zone. I live in NY where 96% of the apartments don’t have dishwashers and I HATE washing dishes by hand). There are still days where I want to do what EYE want to do, when I want to spend more money than I should without someone telling me I shouldn’t. There are still days that I wash clothes and I don’t put them in drawer for a week, cause umm.. I don’t feel like it. There are days where I may return from a trip, and I won’t unpack my suitcase for 4 days. There are days where I may eat leftovers 2-3 days in a row… cause I wanna. These are probably signs that I’m not quiiiiite there yet. Right? I still like to do what EYE like to do, when EYE want to do it, on MYY time schedule. You know.. beating to my own drum.
At the same time, I haven’t met anyone that makes me want to make those adjustments either. Because I totally could.. and would. I’ve loved 2 men in my life and since they didn’t work out (obviously), I politely decided to take a seat over in the “I’m not dating right now until I’m ready” corner. And to be honest – this corner for the most part is pretty awesome.
Let me be clear about something: I am pro marriage. I will get married. I will have 1 child (i’m not sure I have the tolerance for more than one). With that said, I also know that choosing a spouse is the single most important decision of my life. OF. MY. LIFE! So I want to take my time making it. Even if it means my child will be 6mos old while all my friend’s kids are 6 YEARS old, and I’m ok with that. That just means I can have all their hand-me-downs, strollers, bassinets and I ain’t gotta pay for nothing (aaaayyyee!).
Now, back to dating.
I hate dating because
It sucks black hairy monkey balls its not fun for me. I don’t really enjoy it. I kinda wish God would’ve just assigned me someone at birth and I wouldn’t have to do it. I’m so serious. I am also one of those people that hates being fake. I don’t want to act like I like someone when I don’t. If I go on a date with you and we don’t have chemistry then we will either be just friends or complete strangers. I’m ok with either option. Chemistry can’t be faked nor do I believe I should have to “make” myself like anyone. I know, I know.. I can hear people say “well sometimes you can grow to love someone” – not me bruh. Not. Me.
I hate dating because
ni**as be lying there are so many questions I need answers to! Like what am I gonna wear? Does he have roommates? Will he get along with my friends (my friends are – different lol)? Will he get my dry sense of humor? Will he get my sarcasm and smart mouth? Can he hold his own at my family functions? Does he even believe in marriage? Does he believe in God? Does he go to church? Does he have a prayer life? Did he come from a 2-parent home? (sorry not sorry.. that’s important to me. Judgement-freeeeee), Does he have kids? Is he a mama’s boy (ugh), Does he understand the concept of work? Does he understand the concept of loyalty? Can he handle my crazy? (pshhhhhhh) Does he pay attention to due dates? Does he keep his own place clean? (I’m not your maid bruh).
Now, yall may be thinking “Its just a date Nicole.. you’re being too serious” NO GIRL I’M NOT! I don’t have time to be going on date after date that EYE HATE and not asking questions. I’m not saying I interview people, I just make sure alot of these are addressed in casual conversation *wink*. Or, instead of answering all these questions, I can just have a seat over in my “I’m not ready yet” corner and watch everyone else’s relationship drama. That’s what I’m currently doing 🙂
Dating in this day and time is
for the birds kinda exhausting. With social media, people have a perception of you that may (or may not) be the truth. Take me for instance, I enjoy social media, but there are a lot of things I wouldn’t share. Like who I’m dating and what we’re doing. It’s just not my thing. People start dating and let the world know, but when they hit a rough patch (and you WILL hit a rough patch) everyone is in your business. I am a secretive person by nature and I would need to date someone who is somewhat similar. Not saying I won’t tell anyone, but social media is the last place I’ll be “promoting” my relationship. You won’t be hearing about my relationship on FB until our rehearsal dinner lol. I’m not knocking other people who do it, its just not MY thing. To each it’s own girl.. to each its own.
Lastly, well not lastly, cause I have a zillion reasons why I hate dating – but for the sake of this post we are going to make this my last point. I am old school. Old school as in I take my time getting to know someone and I pay attention to everything. We live in a society where everything is “Now now now”. Nobody takes the time to be friends. Because I am so secretive and private, you would have to be my FRIEND before I’d even consider being a girlfriend. And we are only doing this girlfriend/boyfriend thing with the goal of marriage. I’m not into the whole “let’s just see” – nah.. that’s what being friends is for. Again – my perspective.
I also keep clear definitions of my relationships. There is a difference between friends, girlfriend/boyfriend, fiance and wife/husband, and I treat you accordingly. Friends don’t get boyfriend benefits and boyfriends don’t get husband benefits. I understand that a lot of people don’t think this way about dating and relationships, especially men. I am fully aware of that and I don’t care lol.
I am also old school in the sense that I believe men should plan the date. Men usually
want the most for the least don’t plan dates anymore. What happened to that? Nothing is more attractive than a man who asks you out on a date, asks what day/time you are free, shows up AT that date/time (Please don’t be late – pet peeve!) and has the entire date planned. Whew! My friends and I have discussed this plenty of times and we all agree. It’s not about an expensive date – it could be free. It could be a walk around Dumbo park in Brooklyn. But the fact that it was planned and you didn’t keep asking “so what you wanna do? What you wanna eat? Where you wanna eat? What you wanna do now?” the entire time is so refreshing! Sidenote: I honestly don’t mind going dutch. Cause If I don’t like you, I don’t want you to waste your money.
To sum it up, if you are a man looking for a wife, not a girl a WIFE – the woman who will change her last name for you, cook, clean, and stretch her vag to the size of a bowling ball to have YOUR babies, the LEAST you can do is plan a date. Be a gentleman, open doors, pay attention to detail, bring unique flowers, pick up the phone and stop texting so much. Treat her like a LADY!
I have soooooo much more on my mind when it comes to dating, but I will save that for another blog. In the meantime put a sistah on your prayer list and pray the arranged marriage comes back in style lol. That’s one less major life decision I have to make lol.
Do you have any crazy dating experiences? Hate dating too? Just wanna say “girl hang in there!” lol Comment below! I love hearing your thoughts and feedback.
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